Midnight Anxiety: My Dad (continued)
I'm here at the office right now, on a Saturday, working to pass the day. Whenever I look at the time(regardless of the time difference between Manila and here), I can't help but recall what I was doing at that same moment three years ago.
I first realized it last night when it was just over midnight. We were at a club then, after the dinner that us Filipinos organized as a team-building activity. I was in that room, with music booming in the background, and I was stunned by the irony of this moment and three years ago. I remember that fateful night I lost my Dad. That was a few minutes passed midnight, or 1 am, I don't know. All I remember doing was calling Mayeec on my mobile to tell her, and texting Rom, and Jeff, my sight blurred by tears and hands trembling.
Throughout today, from the time I woke up, I've been haunted by the memories of what happened 3 years ago. I remember that it was as if I was paralyzed that day, the hurt was almost physical. I lost one of my bestfriends. I never knew something could hurt me so bad. The wound was so deep that it never really healed.
Today, I learned the true meaning what I had said to my friend Toni to console her: It will never be OK that he's not here anymore, but I promise you it will get better...
I first realized it last night when it was just over midnight. We were at a club then, after the dinner that us Filipinos organized as a team-building activity. I was in that room, with music booming in the background, and I was stunned by the irony of this moment and three years ago. I remember that fateful night I lost my Dad. That was a few minutes passed midnight, or 1 am, I don't know. All I remember doing was calling Mayeec on my mobile to tell her, and texting Rom, and Jeff, my sight blurred by tears and hands trembling.
Throughout today, from the time I woke up, I've been haunted by the memories of what happened 3 years ago. I remember that it was as if I was paralyzed that day, the hurt was almost physical. I lost one of my bestfriends. I never knew something could hurt me so bad. The wound was so deep that it never really healed.
Today, I learned the true meaning what I had said to my friend Toni to console her: It will never be OK that he's not here anymore, but I promise you it will get better...
posted by JA | 6:58 AM
5 Comments:
*sniff sniff*... sorry for being my emotional here... I remembered this date...or a day after when I texted Mike on something and he told me about your dad...I know how hard you two gone through that day and I shared my sympathy with you...minsan nga eh...nauugat pa ito pagnagkukuwen2han kami ni Mike pero it was like "oh please... don't let your day sad." and wanna move the topic into something else.
That day changed my life, and made me face challenges that I never knew I would face in my life. I had to deal with the struggles both within me and the outside world, that's how hard it is.
Until now, I still have some internal conflicts. Only this time, my dilemma is figuring out whether I like the person I turned out to be. I am now stronger, driven and strong-willed. I like this part of me that knows what I want and goes for it. On the other hand, there's a certain anger that's inside me, and I feel that I've somehow lost a certain sense of spirituality that I know I had before everything happened.
I'm so glad that somehow you've learned a lesson from that experience. Mahirap magmove on diba? and just always think that Dad's up there looking at me, looking so proud of me in everything you accomplish. He's still with you and Mike... in your hearts :)
*oops typo*
Dad's up there looking at me, looking so proud of me in everything *I* accomplish.
On paper that looks good but its just not the same thing. Furthermore, thinking that way, I feel like I'm not really accepting that he's gone, you know. At least thats how I feel...
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