Midnight Anxiety: Weak Moments

Trapped in a weak moment, that is where I am now.

I just can't help but shed tears because I greatly miss my mother right now. I am feeling gloomy this sunday evening, not wanting to go to work tomorrow. If she was here, I would have someone to help me sort out these feelings. This is just one of the voids in my life that nobody has filled in her absence. I know I have some friends, brothers and sister to talk to, but it's not really the same.

Work has been hellish. I think this is the clincher of it all. I'm gonna work it out so that I am well-prepared to leave the Firm before the year ends. Then maybe I can take a few months off and spend it in Davao, to see if I can settle for a job there. That's one option I'll look into.

I have always been one to listen to my parents' guiding voice. Amidst all the independence I've had through the years, part of me is lost without them.

The Art of Saying No

Oh Goddess! If there is such a thing, please help me learn it!

Saying no to my boss has always been a problem for me. At the latest, this weakness of mine has caused me to pack my stuff and move to Cybergate on the 3rd of July.

Where is Cybergate? I think that is the point of all my anxiety. Where the hell is Cybergate?! Because I have an inability to say no to my boss, I am now moving to work at some tackily named building in Mandaluyong City. Of course Cybergate is going to be outside Makati City, I think they have laws against naming anything Cybergate there.

It is only going to be a month though. Afterwards I'm going to be shipped to Denmark again.

This company is really to putting a damper on my already waning social life.

The Scenic Drive

I must admit that even in these times, amidst the scarcity of friends, I have been actively meeting people... going on dates even. I think this state of being alone is what drives me to courageously putting myself out there. In retrospect, it has always been these points in time that my life moves to the next level. Being alone, or being self-reliant gives me the inner strength to move forward.

It's quite difficult for someone like me to find another who compliments my vibe, amidst all the sub-texts, assumptions, and the sub-cultures of this cruel jungle that is the metropolis dating scene. I'm just feeling lucky that I chanced upon a person who I feel at home with. Finally, I can slow down and enjoy the view.

That Empty Chair

It is my mother's birthday today, and I know that I have not yet gotten over her passing. The first year is always the hardest, I realize. Celebrating every special occasion would always be the first time without her. Right now, at 2am, dealing with such profound sense of sadness is just inevitable.

Last year, I remember, I did not even have the chance to greet her. Who knew that it would be my last chance to do so...

We fought a lot, especially after my Dad died. But I always knew that I could count on her. I always knew that I could count on her prayers...

We were not the best of friends, my Dad was my bestfriend. But she treated me as an equal. She was my ally through and through. Now I don't have them both...

It just breaks my heart that no matter how much I call on them... Even in the dark of night... Even when I'm miles away... There's no chance that they would answer that call...

I look out and there I see
Two shadows moving away from me
A tears drops as I see them fade
Once part of me, now separate...

Happy Birthday Ma...

Flood of Realizations

Waking up today to a rainy day, then having to deal with a fixer-upper of a house in the middle of it just gave me that jolt of reality that was long overdue. For weeks and months on end, I've been feeling like I was living outside my own existence. Maybe I was protecting myself subconsciously, amidst all the problems and heartaches that have bombarded me since my mother died.

If I could not own up to my own existence, I believe that I could never really move on. I could never really forgive. I could never really love.

These realizations might just be the first step to regaining all that again.

Nohari Window: The Dark Johari

The Nohari Window is a challenging inversion of the Johari Window, using antonyms of the original words. By describing your failings from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of perceived and unrecognised weaknesses can be explored.

I hope I'm brave enough to take this all in. But I think I can learn more from this than Johari. Please check out my Nohari Window.

Johari Window: Knowing Yourself Through Others

Reading Jeff's blog today, I found out that he set up a Johari Window for himself.

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

After filling up Jeff's Johari Window, I set up my own. I hope you guys try to help me know myself more. This will really be a great way to becoming more self aware. This is my Johari Window Site.

The Formidables: The Path of One

After the conclusion of that melodramatic episode in my life, I am once again allowed the opportunity to look inward and reflect.

A shroud of loneliness comes over me as I realize that all the people who I have become close to are moving away. The thing that caught me off-guard is that I am deeply affected by it, and I am somehow kicking myself for it. My rational half is nagging to myself:

Why did you let your guard down?
Why did you make yourself dependent on them?

I truly feel that this is a disservice to myself. I should have protected my heart.

The Healing of the Rift

However deep the wound
However wide the valley
However strong the pain
No ship of any fleet is unsinkable
Nor wall of any keep, unbreakable
Nor peak of any mount, unreachable
Nor can my heart stay frozen
However tired with battle
However cold with hurt
To the call of repenting souls

My family situation is better now. We are all good, my brothers, sister and me. It took a big meeting and a melding of the minds to clear up things. But its all over now. I'm trying to forget the pain. I'm asking the cosmos, time, to heal my weary heart.

Friends from a Previous Existence

I saw one of my closest friends, Rom, a couple of weeks ago. He was with a girl, maybe his girlfriend. I don't know why but I didn't feel like approaching him. So I didn't.

Maybe because it's been so long since we connected, that I didn't feel the desire to get re-acquainted. For people who know us from before, it's very hard to imagine. Maybe we put too much trust in the resilience of our friendship, that we left it unattended for too long. Maybe friendships are not designed to be left that way. Maybe with everything that has happened to me, I actually needed them to be there physically... not just in spirit... not just in words. My life changed without them. I am reborn now, and they are severed from my life forever.

A lot of maybes, a lot of forks on the road that we should have taken to prevent this. But I can't do anything about that now, not anymore. There's nothing left but regret. It feels like a previous life to me now.

What does the future hold for me...

Catching Up...

It has been months since my last entry. Right now, I am living my life more and writing about it less. I keep on looking outwardly for happiness... for contentment... for hope. I fear that if I face myself, if I look inward, I might find that my sorrows are eating me up inside. I am afraid that I'll be left with a hollow shell.

I am still with the firm, I didn't leave. Finally giving that letter to the people concerned gave me a tremendous backlash of regret. I realized I couldn't leave, not right now. Maybe I'm still too weak, emotionally, among other things. The episodes in my life... my mother passing away... being estranged from one of my brothers... has left me powerless, and misdirected. I am striving to find my old self again, the strong, formidable Id.

In the wake of these wars I'm fighting, both outside and within, I come across new friends. I'm really thankful that I have them now, especially one that has been surprisingly heart-warming. This person really puts a lot of attention to me, to my thoughts, to my problems. I hope this friend is sincere. My empathy, my learned insight, which I have come to trust all these years, is useless with this person. I think I am clouded by my attraction.

Right now, I am threading new waters. But perhaps it is the original path I had intended to take. I face it with new resolve.

A Foot Out the Door

I could not have imagined it myself, the feeling of freedom and fear as I start to realize leaving The Firm. My reluctance is justified, I guess. I find that I can actually work there for good. But I think a person can only take so much beating. So I turn away from The Firm, a better man than before.

Vindication!

The borders between right and wrong seemed blurred, in some people's eyes. For us who clearly see that line, there comes a point in our life where we are asked to stand on that line for the sake of righteousness and truth, whatever it takes. Alas! The twisted words are untied, the lies are now discovered, and to those who stood beside me, we are victorious.

I am hesitant to face reconciliation now. I have tasted a less burdened existence by letting go of the people who wronged me. I do not want to let go of such freedom.

On My Own Now

A very good friend of mine is leaving for the States soon. This friend is very special to me, because I can truly be myself with him. He has genuinely become my best friend through the years. And now that he is going away, I am wondering if I could ever find someone with whom I can be completely transparent. I wish him good luck. I also wish the same luck for myself, in my search for that somebody to compensate for his absence.

My family life has been tough. There is still no reconciliation on either side of the Great Divide, nor any contact. Aticulating my feelings about this would only fuel the fire of anger I have within me.

Alone and without the hope of help on the horizon, it almost breaks my spirit to be within these struggles.

No Apologies

My brother went home today from visiting us here in Manila, a visit that has spawned a lot of conflicts and controversies. Apparently it signified that he was taking sides, our side. There is some truth to it, we have the same views in life and the same resolve to preserve our mother's legacy.

Things have been said these past couple of days. Things that would forever be etched in our family's history, and would set a great divide between us all. I myself am not ready to forgive my other brother, for his harsh words and stubborn soul. He now resides on the other side of that great divide. What he said, ends all my bonds from him. I no longer feel that he is my brother. Like I said, with all finality, I feel like I have lost a brother and a sister in this episode in my life.

I don't know if I could ever forgive them. Perhaps when I find the reason why I have to apologize for my successes in life, that will be the day.

The Masquerade Is Over

The quests for truth can mean either freedom, or hurt. I have always been unlucky in unravelling the truth, because it always leads to the latter.

Right now I am in the livingroom with two of my brothers, sharing our thoughts, our shock and dumbfoundedness over what just happened this very night. I am deeply hurt and filled with disbelief at the fact that my family is breaking up into pieces. I always thought that my family was resilient, but I thought wrong. Our distance from each other made our family bonds so weak, that a mere fight over material possessions would break us apart.

I am left broken by this episode in my life. I am now resigned to the fact that I have lost a brother and a sister forever. But I do not have the luxury to grieve. My anger and resolve will conquer what little love I have left for them.

Forty Days and Forty Nights

It took me all this time to gather enough willpower to articulate this in writing. Somehow it's always harder for me to write bad memories. I just feel like it means acceptance, for I am not yet ready to take that step. You see, my mother died recently. This is the 39th day since that fateful day, and today is the 40th day since she was rushed to the hospital.

My life is in turmoil, yet again. I find myself taking the mantle of responsibility my mother bore alone since my father died. Everything is still confusing, everyone still has their masks on. I have to unravel these things first, I have to discover the truth.

I found solace in new and untested friendships, to my surprise. My long time friends just seem too preocuppied by their own lives. I think we became apart too long, that we drifted too far away from each other now. But maybe I just didn't call for their help loud enough. It was just a surprise to me now, I realized, that the faint cry I could muster was heard by these new people in my life, and not by the friends I thought I could actually count on at all times.

But I can't be choosey, and I don't want to be. I can only be grateful.

Choices... One Too Many

Sometimes life tries to test you by sending bad circumstances on your way. But there are times when life humors itself by giving you one too many good things to handle. Things that rifts the road in front of you into one major fork.

The grapevine of authority in the firm has given me the opportunity to go to the U.S. To a lot of other people this is something that is a chance worth grabbing. But there is always a fine print, and in this case it's more than one thing: Firstly, I will have to stay there for a whole year and secondly, I will be binded into a contract (again!) for another year when I return. So basically I will be forced to stay with the firm for two whole years.

As if to toss gasoline into the fire, a new firm has called me last Friday to schedule a meeting on Monday to talk about me moving with them. This new firm works practically the same way as where I am at, but a little better with the travelling. Suffice it to say I am a bit confused right now. How do you choose between Family, The Firm, and the New Firm?

My monday afternoon schedule looks like this: I'm having my meeting with the new firm, then I'll drop off my U.S. Visa requirements with my present one. Talk about juggling...

Constant Changes, Constant Rifts

Today my mother announced that she finally wants to move to Davao, for good.

Now I know that this statement is aching for a giant YEAH RIGHT! remark. But hearing her reasons, I thought that this lady is serious! Yes, her reasons were viable but two points bothered me. It bothered me that she said that she wanted to give us our freedom and that it was time for us to be responsible.

I told her, in the most composed tone I could muster, that I never felt that I never had any freedom before. I also reminded her that I was responsible enough to help pull this family from the ground when my father died. Hearing those statements from her, I really felt that she still has resentments towards me. That there is still something under the surface. I am not surprised I guess, since I am not ready to let go of my resentments myself. I guess the rift is too deep to be healed so soon.

I gave my approval on the condition that she will get the proper referrals from her doctors.

I secretly wished that the distance will help us heal, once and for all.

Back Together Again

Well, basically the break-up was never official. So after the long talk last Monday we decided not to let go of this beautiful thing happening. It's the first time I got an apology + explanation from a partner... ever. I have always been the first one to apologize.

For Love Or Money

I can never have a relationship that would be based on money, not anymore.

That is the line that I draw for the quest for love. This boundary is what prevents me now from moving forward with the relationship. At the end of the day, a man should draw the line and stand on it... whatever it takes.

Break-ups are hard, but survivable, especially for the learned heart.

Beneath the Silent Water

I ended up meeting with The Meek that day, and we talked until late. To find substance under the silence, and more importantly... a possibility, is not an everyday occurence for me.

Coming in 3s

When no one is destined to come to your life, no one ever comes. But when they do, they usually come in 3s. I started to put myself out there...

To throw a net into the sea
But then I caught three
Souls that fates wove to my life's strands
The meek, the kiss, and the hand

Let us just say that I am going out with The Kiss later for coffee.

Home sick

I'm at home, and I'm sick. This could be caused by sudden climate change. It is mighty warm in Manila. This could also be because of all the cats I find around the house.

I am not a pet-loving person you know, and to the Animal Kingdom it's nothing personal, it's physiological. I am allergic and I get asthma easily. I just did not realize people would forget about that and put cats in the house. After all, I clearly told them I was coming back.

I think these are signs that I should look into finding my own place. I love my home, but the commute, the clutter and the fauna are things I may not be able to live with right now.

I Dub Thee, MORGAN

I have been looking forward to naming my baby of three months now, my Sony Vaio S360. I was so pleased when I received her, erasing all reservations about buying my very first notebook. She has roughly the same specs as my desktop at home, which means she is very suitable for a gamer like me. So here she is, my favorite partner in crime, Morgan.

Midnight Anxiety: Losing Wind

There comes a point where Self-motivation just doesn't cut it anymore. Such is the problem when the drive just emanates only from within... you eventually exhaust it.

The finality of the decision that I will not be promoted has come to pass... and just like every other career-oriented individual, I am left drained and de-motivated. I am at a crossroads again, I realized, to continue on this path or to change lanes and move on. I am not sure if I still want to recapture that feeling of contentment I had earlier this year. I just want the days to run like the wind, so I can finally be home.

Uncharted Waters

I have always seen the good in the unknown. The state of not knowing what is next always excited me. Being in uncharted waters... in a field of possibilities... and knowing that I am the captain of my destiny would always bring about a sense of hope in myself.

There is a chance that I will leave the company within this year. The ties that bind me are finally severed. But I remember, not too long ago, that there were moments of contentment and gratitude during my stay. I should catch that feeling again, before choosing which path to take. Only then will I be confident that I am making the most sound decision.

Thanksgiving: Clarity and Compassion

During these past days, life has geared up for the better.

With regards to the request that I raised about my stay here in Denmark, this have been looking good. It is quite clear to me now that my request will be granted. People have given their support on this, from my immediate Supervisor (who I still feel uncomfortable with, by the way) to the Partner of our project.

So it is definite now that I will be leaving by September 15, give or take a week. I hope my request for extended leave gets through. I will surely get to settle a lot of things given that valuable time.

Midnight Anxiety: Greatest Fear

My Filipino boss talked to me today about my request to leave earlier than the expected time(December). I had requested to go home on September, when the opportunity to do such request presented itself. I have so many reasons for going home. But when I was asked why, it took a moment to search for the answer. But beyond the clutter of reasons in my head, I only had one glaring answer... It was for my mother.

I know that my mother and I haven't actually been the best of friends. Well at least since my Dad died. People could better describe my relationship with her as a struggle for power, a struggle for control. I know I have a lot of issues with her. I could never appreciate the hard decisions she sends my way. Or the way she inadvertantly hurts people's feelings. But ultimately, she IS my last surviving parent. Now that she's going under the knife(again!), I am plagued by memories of the years that passed. I could never undergo through the same ordeal with my Father back in 2001. When he died in Davao, I was stuck in Manila finishing my thesis document. The family agreed that it would be best for me to stay there and focus on completing my requirements for graduation.

Overwhelmed by shock, I was practically a zombie then. Fortunately I had cavalry, my friends (led by Jeff, of course) were there to push me to the right direction.

I just hope that my request pushes through. I need to support my family during this trying time.

End Of Week Reflection: Glimmering Fireflies

A dark cloud is still over my whole being. I hope I can do something to escape this soon. But sometimes it takes the darkness itself to clearly see the glimmers of light in your life. Both my close friends and family know about how I'm feeling right now. They are really rooting for me.

A friendship, so new, has been my guiding light this week. Up until last week, this friend was just a once acquaintance. A mutual friend introduced us to each other last year. Then to my surprise, I am confiding in this person. A promise by this new confidant to check up on me everyday online was a shock. I've never had anyone promise to do something like this to help me. As such, at six A.M. each day, I am greeted by a promise fulfilled.

In the midst of all this turmoil, such an act gives hope to me everyday.

I don't hate his guts... I want to spill it!

Thats how furious I am with my boss. Do you remember Ally Mcbeal moments where she'd imagine punching a guy in the face, or one where the ooga-chaka baby hits her with arrows pointblank? Thats how I feel about him. Only I want to take the moon from the sky and hit him with it!

I swear if this wasn't the middle of nowhereland I would walk-out and resign on the spot. But sadly I have once again tied myself to 5 months of torture... Great Job Angelo! I'd pat myself on the back with a sledgehammer if I could.

So I am resigned to just putting my frustrations out here. I miss my friends and my family. There would have been a cheering squad out here now...

I am paralyzed by fear and loneliness
This stifling air of solitude has me
on my back against the wall
My world is getting smaller
I am alone in this struggle.

Midnight Anxiety: The Prospect of Leaving

I'm coming to terms with the idea of leaving the company as soon as my assignment in Denmark is over. I know this is a big decision to make, but rest assured I shall be thinking about this for the full-length of my stay here.

First off, I have to know if this is just because of the bad week that has passed, being fresh from my vacation and all. A bad case of metal being put from high to cold temperature (See the movie Fantastic Four, watch what they do with Dr. Doom hihi). Plus, my boss hasn't been peachy lately either. Coming back to find that your boss has been switched with his evil twin isn't a nice way to start the other half of your tenure, huh! I want to weigh my pros and cons when the bad air has lifted (when work becomes more relaxed). This is so that my decision will not be based on ill-feelings.

Secondly, I'm coming to my third year my present company and the scenario has always been the same from project to project: stressful environment, too much overtime, too much work, no time for anything else. Since I started, it seems my life has been put on hold, save for my career. I mean 2003 was really stressful because I was fighting to keep my life balanced. Then came 2004 where I really had to call most of my friends to tell them that I'll go under the radar and focus solely on my career. The present year hasn't been good to my life either, need I say impossible to get things back the way they were with me being geographically-challenged. I've been living my life like a total geek, techie... a HERMIT with very little connection to my friends and even my family. I came back home for a vacation only to find that my nieces and nephews have grown so much, my brothers and sister distant with me, and my friends moving about their lives without me. I had clamoured to pick up the pieces during the two weeks I was there. I don't want that to happen again.

There are many factors involved here. A decision this big cannot be made overnight.

End of Week Reflection: Back into the Lions' Den

This past week was a blur as I got hurled back into the reality of work, homesickness, and yearning for friends.

I just realized that I am again well on my way to getting burnt out. In my line of work, it is a given that I would at times thread dangerously close to that. I hope I don't give up though, especially now that my binding contract has ended.

I can't say enough of this, but my home is indeed my place of power. Getting uprooted from all of that, and sent to a place where there are no reliable support really hurts me to the core.

The fog of false security and weak bonds have lifted,
and I can see clearly now. But I paid a high price for clarity...
my sense of belonging...
my spontaneity...

I know that there will be days when I'd feel like I lost in that barter... I miss my friends...

Silence...

I'm back in Denmark, after two weeks of being home. It was a relief to be back in Manila, seeing my friends, my family. More importantly, I was there to face brewing problems, and help in making the hard decisions about family and business. It was really empowering to be in a place where I have complete control... where I'm independent... where everything is more understandable... where everything is familiar.

I was silent in the blogs because I was home, and I was happier. I find it hard to articulate happiness. I always fear that talking about it would jinx the happy times, I guess...

End of Week Reflection: Hating Empathy

Do you have one of those episodes where you know something is not right with the way a person is acting towards you? Like he harbors ill-feelings for you but he is trying to hide it, but those small moments of truth tell you that there is something wrong?

I remember picking these up from friends before our friendships start to end. It almost feels like I can pinpoint the day it made a turn for the worse. These instincts of mine have never been wrong before, so with sadness I know it will happen.

I hate this keen grasp I have over these things. Based on past experiences, I've never been able to do anything to change the course of the events that will follow. Save for the undeniable feeling of failure afterwards, what is it good for? What good is empathy if you can't do anything about it?!

Midnight Anxiety: Angered

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And, when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
- William Blake (1757-1827)

The first stanza came back to me this week with stunning clarity, I just had to look for Blake's poem again, after all these years. The meaning comes to me now in a different light. It tells how the meek can be ferocious, the kind... unforgiving, the understanding... vengeful. Man is capable of both.

Beware the good but deadly heart...
For he can wield the might that will smite all his oppressors...

The Formidables: Drifting

I look outside and there I see, two shadows moving away from me...
A tear drops as I see them fade...
Once part of me, now separate...

The wall that divides thicken as one cocoons himself from the hurt of lost friendships. This is necessary for the I, and the heart to survive. In essence, it should be thought of as protecting one's heart, not hardening it.

Such is the path of survivor, the formidable.

Midnight Anxiety: The Changeling

Sometimes you know a person, and then there's a sudden change in him that gets you off-guard, and you think: "Where did that come from?"

The measure of a man's character is not through his triumphs, but what he becomes after...

The Formidables: Searching for the Fire Within

It's strange to come back to this, a feeling of raw independence. I have to get used to relying on myself again... This state of being alone has two faces for me, it makes me feel powerful, yet it is also unnerving, especially in this strange land...

I never realized until now just how long it has been since I felt formidable...

I now remember the downside of this freedom. You have no one to go to for your problems... No one to rely upon completely anymore... No one to watch your back... No one to push you, to be motivated by. You constantly have to find the drive to succeed, the fire within.

I've got to find my wind soon. Circumstance is pushing me towards it, I just have to open myself to it now.

Age of Indifference

The lull after the storm... After the inner turmoil that one goes through... The friendships ended... After the bridges burned... and the ripple effect of choices made... then comes Indifference.

Facing choices to withdraw emotional investments bring about an inner conflict that leaves a pang of regret, whatever path is taken. When one finally decides to withdraw these ties, there is an immense sense of loss felt. But as they say, time heals all wounds... and when one comes to this end, relief, contentment, and a renewed sense of inner strength are attained.

In times of heartaches and disappointments, feel the hurt and experience the pain, do not dare ignore it. For what does not destroy you, makes you stronger.

Indifference in this sense is a good thing, in my view. For when you cease to become a friend who invests feelings of concern and care with these people, you start to accept more, and not expect anything from them. Disappointing episodes are but nuisances you brush off. You are neither judgemental nor supportive of them. It is in the end, very good for your heart.

Sad truth, isn't it?

Into the Land Called Paragon

Lately, I've been finding myself cooped up inside the flat every spare time I have, after office and in the weekends. Yesterday I did not even come to an engagement because I overslept. Well, I was awake until 5am thats why I slept it out. Anyway, I ended up spending the whole day in front of the monitor, my consciousness inside Paragon City.

These virtual worlds are the future in human interaction, I believe. This way I get to do more than talk to my brother, and friends who'd join. We can do activities together, and bond even if we're halfway around the world from each other.

Spoken Like a True Realist

Sometimes, you should think negative to see the realities of life...
Conjuring away the false "positives" that may lead you to false hopes
-Jeff S., Bytekeeper

I think one should look within himself, his environment, and the purpose of his existence to live a full life.

Midnight Anxiety: The Drive

There is nothing worse than driving down the road with yourself and the person you had a falling-out with. The person you decided to step-back from. The person you once relied on as a friend, and now decided not to.

The wall between you would never be more visible in that situation of aloneness... when there are no other people around, you can't pretend anymore. Its hard to find the things to say to this person who once was your confidant. All that's left is an air of uncomfortable silence.

Between two people, one sign of a flourishing friendship is when silence becomes a comfortable moment... I mourn the loss of such a moment.

We've gone full circle...

Drawing the Line

A man has to draw the line and stand on it whatever it takes...
-Sydney Poitier, To Sir with Love 2

Today I reached that point and had an unyielding will to stick to my decision. The last straw was the smallest of incidents today, but I just decided not to take anymore of it. The pivotal point is so minute that it might not have been realized by the people concerned. I'll be careful enough not to be on the spotlight because of this decision. I am not burning bridges, just drifting away.

As spontaneous my decision seems to be, I'll take the high road and live by my decision quietly... in Cautious Spontaneity...

The Beauty of Letting Go

It's another rainy day in Copenhagen. A gloomy day with the thick clouds hiding the Sun, would reflect most everyone's mood. But I find release in the downpour, as if the rain is washing away the bad denouement of the past few weeks.

Taking a walk from the city center last saturday, alone half of the way, I began to realize that I was not as bound to these people as I had seen myself to be. I didn't have to find my friends in them nor expect anymore than common courtesy. I felt relief, knowing that I didn't have to be with anybody all the time to enjoy life.

Being with yourself, rather than being alone, is something I had always believed in before. Somewhere along the way, I lost that in me, among other things. But I'm starting to relearn that the "I" is enough.

Midnight Anxiety: The Roundabout

The Roundabout. I was recently faced with a fork in the road between friends and the pursuit for real friendships away from home. Had I made the choice not to work things out and just be the realist I've learnt to become, this dilemma would have been over by now. But I chose otherwise, so here we are...

Sometimes the choices you make are not paths to points of no return, but rather roundabouts that make you face the same choices again, and force you to reassess the decisions you made before.

Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that they'll be waiting
So I'll hold on
And I'll stay strong 'til then...
-Adapted Excerpt from I Know Him by Heart, V.S.

When you are given this second chance, listen to what your intuition tells you. Because in that sea of uncertainty, it's those little pockets of truth that really count.

I choose reality...

Anjeluxe Sweeps Swedes

I'm going to Stockholm, Sweden with a group of people from work. Watch out for the pics here.

Midnight Anxiety: A Fork on the Road

Choices. There are points in one's life when you have to make them. Whether big or small, trivial to life-changing ones, everyday there's a choice to be made.

Today I walk upon a fork on the road, of which both paths lead to points of no return. To leave friends or thrive with them. To risk your heart to learn trusting people once again, or to sever bonds to save yourself from the hurt...

Miles of loneliness
Now make perfect sense
Here beside you...
Tears like waterfall
It was worth them all
Just to find you...
-I Know How the River Feels, JBW

Soulmates... More than that I've always believed in Soulfriends. People who are there for each other no matter what. Individuals who know you, and are sensitive to your feelings. It's difficult when you know that the people around you aren't those people.

Work work work... dudududu...

It's been all work and no play this past week. It's somewhat tiring to just work and go home with very little interaction with people, but also somewhat of a relief that I get to have an excuse not to socialize.

My busy state somehow insulates me from feeling the hurt brought about by family affairs. It doesn't give me time to contemplate about some phone calls to home that didn't go too well. (Why did I ever make that second call?!)

But I know in myself that I cannot keep this up for long. Even now I am starting to tire and losing motivation. I must find the way to push myself to the next level, just like last year. What little driving force I have: the stuff I am getting next week, the music that I am using to relax my mind, bond of a once severed friendship that is healing itself, are all somewhat temporary fixes.

Move over, Mr. Negativity

A colleague read my last entry and said my recent posts were all negative. Surely I could think of positive things that happened recently. Let's see:

Career. I'm still here, at the forefront of technology, at a sound position of my career for my age.
Travel. Temporarily relocating to Europe has given me a great opportunity to see remnants of the eras in history that I've always been fascinated about.
Finances. I can buy what I want, when I want. Healthy(almost wiped out) credit line. Great credit history. I've set out to practice my financial freedom and I think I've managed it nicely, learning valuable lessons along the way.
Friends. Well, there's the brotherhood of the Bytekeepers, which reminds me, watch out for the continuation of the Bytekeeper Chronicles. It'll be a nice read, I promise.

Adding to that, I have some hardcore nerdie stuff to look forward to the next couple of weeks. Completing the other nerdie stuff I have here... If you haven't figured out yet, I'm a computer geek and proud of it!

Well that's it, all I need is to make this list and I'm feeling better already :-D.

Midnight Anxiety: Aimless

My most unwanted feeling is uncertainty.

Maybe this is the feeling of purgatory, where your soul is supposed to wander aimlessly into nothingness. I am like riding in a boat with no sail, no paddle... lost in a sea of nameless faces, detached acquaintances, superficial friendships.

This is the ripple effect of yesterday's reflections. What have I been doing these past few years? Basking in untested friendships, bonds I never bothered to validate, but its too late to do that now.

I need to reign myself to resist succumbing to these feelings of loneliness, of sadness.

Trusting "Friends(?)"

Fallouts, disappointments... Things like these make me want to reassess my view on the people, and the actual validity of the "friendships" I thought I made these couple of years.

I would say that I trust that these bonds I have with these people are true, but that's the emotional-naive-trusting part of me talking. The part of me that is objective and collected, that part of me that's always right, says otherwise.

Just Another Manic Monday

Do you have these mornings when you just wanna punch everyone on the face, especially the ones who piss you off? I do. It's every Monday morning, today.

I remember when, more than a year ago, one Monday morning on my way to work a thief tried to snatch my belongings from me. Suffice it to say, it was one of his unlucky days.

I pity the person who comes between me and this day's passing.
-Adapted Quote from Rose McEwan, Origins(Sweep) by Cate Tiernan

The Power of the Written Word

Today, my brother commented that I could start writing(professionally), judging from my entries, and from my recent works with the new site. I think I could pull that off. I figured I've already tried out most things in my life, might as well add writing to that, right?

Seriously, I just found writing to be a good outlet of my thoughts, which is the same perspective I have for my sketching. Starting out as a hobby and then getting myself to this point, I feel that it's as if circumstance has given me the gift of responsibility.

You see, the thing about the written word is that ideas(whether it be good or bad) are believed by people when they are placed on paper. The power of the immortalized word is so great that it seeps into the public consciousness over time. Sadly, most of the ideas that get through are instrumental to pushing the envelope of morality.

The pen is mightier than the sword. But it is not just an instrument of evil but of life as well. A great burden is given to each one who wields its power.

The Price for Financial Freedom: Priceless!

Money is liquid asset. It doesn't matter how much one has, it can be exhausted faster than it can be earned, ten-fold.

I should know, I once went from a high paying job to getting a net salary of less than 2k (bad case of giving too much to your family, shortly after my Father died). I can be very frugal, to a point of being shrewd. But I think that I've achieved that state where my frugality doesn't affect my spending behavior. It that was last year when I hit that point. Thinking back, the main driving principles I had were these, in the order of importance:

Be organized with your finances. I always keep a notebook where I do my accounting and calculation of my bills versus my net salary. I use a steno notebook because it's lightweight and thin. It's part of my daily inventory, so that whenever I have free time, say I'm waiting for a friend in a coffeeshop, I can just take it out and do the numbers. PDAs and other electronics don't cut it, I think, the handwritten word is still the best.
Pay yourself first. I got myself to doodle this all over my budget notebooks. This is the rule I live by with my finances, and has made me close most of my plastic money last year, and all the remaining ones are zero-balanced to date. This means that before anything else, prioritize first and foremost the payment of your liabilities. That also means that you give a big chunk to pay creditors, before dividing the rest. For me, that meant giving up my bonuses to pay off my credit cards at that time.
Put the "Pay yourself first" principle in mind when buying. Do you know that the Philippine Government, by virtue of law, uses 50% of the yearly Budget to pay our international debt? If you don't want to pay big, don't buy big, enough said.
Avoid impulse buying. This is the rule I break most of the time, but the previous rule is my failsafe. Practice this: when you see something you want, let a day pass before you come back to buy the item.
If you have to shop, schedule it every quarter. I do a one-time shopping-spree every quarter of the year (approximately everytime the new line comes out, can you say BIG SALE!). If it has to be status shopping, meaning you want people to oohh and aahh at your affluent ways, better it be once every 90 days. They won't notice that it was three months ago since you were sosi. You will be permanently tagged as such. :-)

The idea is to be a sensible consumer. What does everyone know about dieting? Starving yourself is not the way. Now if I can only apply this to my eating, hmmm...

Exhilirating!

Am I crazy or what? Yesterday I was as low-key as ever. Today was good, I never knew coding would make me happy. I am nothing if not a computer nerd :-)

Seriously, my day started out quite lonely with the feelings I had from yesterday. But Jeff was right. First thing this morning I decided to take charge of my day. No one was going to take the sunshine away from me. Self-motivation is key.

But the day wasn't without flaws though. People you trust, people you are comfortable spending time with, forgetting you is always a bummer. But I thought, "whatever, you people are not important enough for me...", I guess it's my self-motivation's snowball effect.

There are two types of downers, the controllable ones and the circumstances beyond your control. Ignore the latter and focus on the ones you can do something about.
-JPCS National Leadership Training, Baguio City

Low Day

Its wierd but, right now I feel like I'm stuck, suffocating in something intangible. I feel like I'm trapped here, and I can't do anything about it... and worse, it feels as if I placed myself in this situation, in this void of a life.

I need to reflect on this. Whatever is causing me to feel this way needs to be resolved quick. I feel like I'm going to breakdown soon.

It's like I'm drowning and nobody's here to help me. No one to reach out to...

It's one of those low days again (guys help!), the worst one I've had in a long time.

Link to my Pics

My Pictures can be viewed at JAZZ21'S Photos.

Legoland

Legoland, where Stuart, Arlyn and I did our GEEK SHOPPING SPREE!!! I finally have a Robotics Invention System, woohoo!

End of Week Reflection: The Light in the Tunnel

"Why do people die?", one asks... "To make life important.", the other answers.

Life is important. It needs to be appreciated, not only for the good times but also for the bad times that make us strong.

I used to live by the belief that people are placed here on earth to experience sensations: of love, hate, both the good and the bad. Somewhere along the way I forgot that. But I'm ready to believe in it again.

The Light is not just at the end of the tunnel, its also in each one who walk towards it.

There's a flower in the smallest garden, reaching for the light...
There's a candle in the darkest corner, conquering the night...
There's a power in the faintest heartbeat, that cannot be denied...
There's a fire inside of everybody, burning clear & bright.
- Billy Gilman

End of Week Reflection: Far from Home

Being far from the people you trust, from your place of solitude, from your sanctuary, its funny how each step and each small choice you have to make somehow becomes a big chore for you.

I remember back home, after all the aches and pains in the office, the stressful days, the hard decisions made and sometimes humiliating moments, it was always a relief that at the end of the day, I could retreat to my home. My house is in the middle of the city. But somehow it feels like the countryside, with it being tucked inside a compound, hidden from the main roads of the village. You hear no cars and no sound from passers-by.

My space, the common room that was once bustling with people chattering (there were a lot of people living there before), is now a silent place. It is where I sit to contemplate about the events of the day.

My space always put the complications of life in a better perspective, making the crazy part of it more bearable.

Money and People

When people stumble on to a sudden rise in cash inflow (inheritance, significant pay-rise, etc.), how do they normally react to that situation?


I think you can divide these groups of people into two. The ones who can handle it, and the ones who can't.

The first ones are usually not new to this thing. Most of them have already counted their first million, and so this is just another trip around the block. They don't see their lives changed by material things. As a result, they don't have a drastic change of outlook. They view it like an extra icing on the cake... No big deal.

The second group is more interesting. They are the ones who think that they are well-off now, that because they earn more they are above the rest. They might not admit it consciously but it is developed in their persona, to a point that people notice. In most cases, you see the financial behavior of this people spin out of control such that when the flux of cash inflow is gone they find it difficult to go back to their frugal spending habits. As far as damages go, money is the least to worry about. The arrogance and lack of consideration these people develop will start to cut them off from their friends.

Remember, material things help the living survive. But food, shelter... they only sustain the body, the shell of the person. Its the non-material things that make us human.

COH Force is finally up!

Force is finally online! But a lot is still in the works. Only the frontpage and the guestbook is functional as of yet. Thanks Aki for the effort!

View the page here. Watch out for updates.

The Bytekeeper Chronicles 1: The Beginning

I mentioned them in my last entry. I think I should just talk about them and try to give justice to what this group means to me.

A Bytekeeper is a status symbol. Being a Bytekeeper meant that you are one of the best in your field, and you have to be at par (with relative magnitude) with the other members in terms of success, confidence or knowledge. Being a Bytekeeper during college meant that you had an enormous potential to live up to.

Here are the surviving members of the group:
Edward M. - Internet Security/Hacking
Jeff S. - Systems Analysis and Design
Rom F. - Programming/Project Management/Software Development
Yuki F. - Macromedia Technology/Multimedia
Alex P. - Dubbed Leader of the Group/SQL/Database Mgt./Software Development
Sam S. - Web Development/Web Entrepreneurship
Angelo S. (moi!) - Multimedia/Web Development

Unlike your average group, we did not have humble beginnings. The Dean of Computer Studies in my College wanted to get together a group of students who showed skill in the different fields of Computer Science. So from the recommendations of the teachers, and in my case my winning of the Web Page Competition a year before, the PROGRAMMER'S POOL was formed. Months after, when the infamous Love Bug Virus struck (from our College I might add) the group was commissioned to help find a solution for it. After that, everybody realized that there really was great potential in this group, an almost tangible potential. We knew that the group would go beyond the College, so we needed a name. Originating from the fact that we started out as 8 (a full byte has 8 bits) and that the turning point was to put a stop to a virus (a keeper of cyber integrity), it was not hard to see where Bytekeepers came from.

Past Realizations on Friendship 1: The Student

I remember once, I had this student. He was a nice guy, polite, respectful, one that you would expect from an educated person with good breeding. I was their Thesis A instructor then, and had a lot of one-on-one interaction with my students. So I got to know a lot of them, and I was a very involved instructor such that they had my contact numbers and everything. Anyway, by the end of the term I was friends with this student of mine. We would check up on each other from time to time, and at times he'd drive me home from school, or from the office when I quit my job as instructor.

During the time my Dad died, he had been there to console me. He was one of those few people who would be there to be my sounding board. Oftentimes I would be venting out my frustrations and sadness over the course of my grief. It was shortly after that time when I felt that I had to take a course of action for my career. So I decided to take his thesis and offered to help him with it. I needed the test-run, to see if I could pull it off. More importantly I wanted to help a friend.

I remember asking Jeff what he thought about it. He said it would be good for me(my career in the long run), but wasn't sure about this guy's intentions of befriending his once teacher. Trusting as I am I told him my case of why I think this student was not using me or anything. After all, I was the one who offered, I said. My friends, knowing how stubborn I am with trying to stick to my (more often than not flawed) instincts, discussed it but weren't vigilant about making me drop my would-be friend. They knew me well.

As the software and the documentation of the thesis was almost complete, my doubts grew more and more. To top it off, I was guilty for having these doubts about him. As usual I would discuss this to my long time friends (The Bytekeepers!) about what they think about this. Jeff said point blank that even if this friend's intentions were valid, he didn't think he could maintain the ties that we had after this endeavor(the Thesis) was over. A case of the having all the intentions but not the will.

Suffice it to say, shortly after this friend graduated, we slowly but surely lost ties with one another. Yes, we'd still talk at times until now but that rapport never did come back. I called him recently and he said to call again after a time. I was taken aback by that one, I thought: "I'm here abroad and I made the effort to call, don't you get it?" After that call I decided to delete his number for the time being. If the chance was there then we'd be able to keep contact again. But not now. Overall, it was not healthy for anyone to keep a one-way friendship especially being far away from home. I needed friendships that were self-affirming.

In retrospect I wonder... Do they start out with good intentions and I just somehow corrupt them by trying to help them?

Are you real, Monalisa? Or just a cold and lonely, lovely work of art...

I love, love, love Paris. Dream come true!!!

O.C.

No! Not the show! I'm talking about the disorder(uhhumm, the mental disorder?!). I seem to have fallen under the growing population of slighty Obsessive Compulsive young people walking around the earth.

O.C. - is a medical brain disorder that causes problems in information processing. It is as though the brain gets stuck on a particular thought or urge and just can't let go. - Obsessive Compulsive Foundation

Ok so now that I know its an actual mental disorder, I'm starting to worry about getting it. Is worrying about getting O.C. disorder a symptom of O.C.? Argh, this is a paradox. Seriously, I'm really forgetful by nature, that's why I've learned to check and most of the time, recheck whether I've left something and the like. I think its better to describe it as being detail-oriented, any objections? :-D

Poker Night with the Gang

Here is a picture of the group from Poker Night last April 2 at Scott and Monika's apartment. We really are perfecting those group picture poses, aren't we?

My site (coming soon)

I am growing awfully impatient about my site coming up. But I'm hoping it'll be up soon, or at least a part of it. I sketched this pic and then took a picture of it for my bro to create a 3d model from. That was a month ago. I decided to use the same picture and edited it in MSPaint. And the other one is the 3d my brother converted for City of Heroes. I don't have the adequate tools for drawing here in DK, sorry!

Happier Days

A picture of everyone during my surprise birthday party. The first surprise birthday party I had in my life. Thanks guys!

Midnight Anxiety: My Dad (continued)

I'm here at the office right now, on a Saturday, working to pass the day. Whenever I look at the time(regardless of the time difference between Manila and here), I can't help but recall what I was doing at that same moment three years ago.

I first realized it last night when it was just over midnight. We were at a club then, after the dinner that us Filipinos organized as a team-building activity. I was in that room, with music booming in the background, and I was stunned by the irony of this moment and three years ago. I remember that fateful night I lost my Dad. That was a few minutes passed midnight, or 1 am, I don't know. All I remember doing was calling Mayeec on my mobile to tell her, and texting Rom, and Jeff, my sight blurred by tears and hands trembling.

Throughout today, from the time I woke up, I've been haunted by the memories of what happened 3 years ago. I remember that it was as if I was paralyzed that day, the hurt was almost physical. I lost one of my bestfriends. I never knew something could hurt me so bad. The wound was so deep that it never really healed.

Today, I learned the true meaning what I had said to my friend Toni to console her: It will never be OK that he's not here anymore, but I promise you it will get better...

Midnight Anxiety: My Dad

Tomorrow, It'll be three years since my Dad died, I realized just now. I miss him so dearly. He would have been the only parent I have who would genuinely be proud of me.

Do you know what's the most painful part about someone dying? I do... It's saying his name, even when you're alone, into the silent night, and knowing that there's no chance he's gonna answer back.

A Change of Medium, A Change of Pace

I've started to write again, and also resumed my sketching. This time around though, I plan to share it with people, not just my brother and a few others. I think its time my art went out there. In this endeavor the prevalent feeling is discomfort, but I know that it comes with the territory.

The site for my art will be up soon, I'm excited. :-)

J.D.'s Quote According to J.A.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one - Wilhelm Stekel, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

I love this quote. Sometimes it makes me think that half of the heroes of the world are immature. But as they say, the courageous may not live long, but the cautious do not live at all... Maybe a healthy mix of the two is needed. Something we can call Cautious Spontaneity, ei?

Friday again! Time for a dilemma!

It's Friday again, giving me two days of rest. But sometimes I dread Fridays because I would have to decide how I want to spend my free time. A big part of me just wants to sleep it off, and hide from the rest of the World. Going out with my colleagues have been a bit of discomfort ever since their circle of friends started to include other people. I find myself not wanting to spend time with people I don't know much about. I feel it's a waste when you don't know how valuable these ties are to you, and just how valid they are. On the other hand, not spending time with my colleagues, or to a point avoiding them, would sever the ties that bind me with the few people I know in this "strange land". Oh man, life used to be much simpler!

Anyone have a big enough rock?

It's been one gloomy day to the next. I feel like I just want to hide under a rock and let the days pass quickly.

Insightful Words said to a friend

I believe that it is not so much as the "right time" as it is yourself who is affecting the change in your life.

- My reply to a friend who said that he is waiting for his right time, a week back. Patted myself on the back for coming up with that one.

I miss my friends

I miss my friends. Not just the normal day to day friends, I'm talking about colleagues from way back, Rom, Jeff, and the few others who stuck with me along the way. These guys helped me through a lot, celebration of life, through deaths in the family, betrayal of other friends, everything.

I know that these friendships don't need to be talked about, nor do we need to see each other to trust that our friendships linger (as Rom says it), but sometimes I kind of feel like I'm lost without them. Hope to see you soon guys!

Missing the City of the Doge

I miss Venice!!! I want to go back there soon.

Start of a new day

A new medium where I can put my thoughts. Watch out for more.