Catching Up...

It has been months since my last entry. Right now, I am living my life more and writing about it less. I keep on looking outwardly for happiness... for contentment... for hope. I fear that if I face myself, if I look inward, I might find that my sorrows are eating me up inside. I am afraid that I'll be left with a hollow shell.

I am still with the firm, I didn't leave. Finally giving that letter to the people concerned gave me a tremendous backlash of regret. I realized I couldn't leave, not right now. Maybe I'm still too weak, emotionally, among other things. The episodes in my life... my mother passing away... being estranged from one of my brothers... has left me powerless, and misdirected. I am striving to find my old self again, the strong, formidable Id.

In the wake of these wars I'm fighting, both outside and within, I come across new friends. I'm really thankful that I have them now, especially one that has been surprisingly heart-warming. This person really puts a lot of attention to me, to my thoughts, to my problems. I hope this friend is sincere. My empathy, my learned insight, which I have come to trust all these years, is useless with this person. I think I am clouded by my attraction.

Right now, I am threading new waters. But perhaps it is the original path I had intended to take. I face it with new resolve.