Midnight

Just my melancholic, cheesey, and mostly wacky thoughts. More importantly, what my set of witty, overly opinionated friends think about them.

New Site: www.midnightanxiety.com

My blogs will be continued on this site.

My Johari Window

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness.

Arena

(known to self and others)

complex, intelligent, observant

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

adaptable, clever, giving, idealistic, independent, knowledgeable, logical, mature, self-assertive, sentimental

Façade

(known only to self)

friendly, reflective

Unknown

(known to nobody)

able, accepting, bold, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, confident, dependable, dignified, energetic, extroverted, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, kind, loving, modest, nervous, organised, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, searching, self-conscious, sensible, shy, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Created by the Interactive Johari Window
Please fill out my Johari Window.

My Online Journal

Friday, June 24, 2005

End of Week Reflection: Hating Empathy

Do you have one of those episodes where you know something is not right with the way a person is acting towards you? Like he harbors ill-feelings for you but he is trying to hide it, but those small moments of truth tell you that there is something wrong?

I remember picking these up from friends before our friendships start to end. It almost feels like I can pinpoint the day it made a turn for the worse. These instincts of mine have never been wrong before, so with sadness I know it will happen.

I hate this keen grasp I have over these things. Based on past experiences, I've never been able to do anything to change the course of the events that will follow. Save for the undeniable feeling of failure afterwards, what is it good for? What good is empathy if you can't do anything about it?!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Midnight Anxiety: Angered

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And, when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

- William Blake (1757-1827)

The first stanza came back to me this week with stunning clarity, I just had to look for Blake's poem again, after all these years. The meaning comes to me now in a different light. It tells how the meek can be ferocious, the kind... unforgiving, the understanding... vengeful. Man is capable of both.

Beware the good but deadly heart...
For he can wield the might that will smite all his oppressors...

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Formidables: Drifting

I look outside and there I see, two shadows moving away from me...
A tear drops as I see them fade...
Once part of me, now separate...


The wall that divides thicken as one cocoons himself from the hurt of lost friendships. This is necessary for the I, and the heart to survive. In essence, it should be thought of as protecting one's heart, not hardening it.

Such is the path of survivor, the formidable.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Midnight Anxiety: The Changeling

Sometimes you know a person, and then there's a sudden change in him that gets you off-guard, and you think: "Where did that come from?"

The measure of a man's character is not through his triumphs, but what he becomes after...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Formidables: Searching for the Fire Within

It's strange to come back to this, a feeling of raw independence. I have to get used to relying on myself again... This state of being alone has two faces for me, it makes me feel powerful, yet it is also unnerving, especially in this strange land...

I never realized until now just how long it has been since I felt formidable...

I now remember the downside of this freedom. You have no one to go to for your problems... No one to rely upon completely anymore... No one to watch your back... No one to push you, to be motivated by. You constantly have to find the drive to succeed, the fire within.

I've got to find my wind soon. Circumstance is pushing me towards it, I just have to open myself to it now.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Age of Indifference

The lull after the storm... After the inner turmoil that one goes through... The friendships ended... After the bridges burned... and the ripple effect of choices made... then comes Indifference.

Facing choices to withdraw emotional investments bring about an inner conflict that leaves a pang of regret, whatever path is taken. When one finally decides to withdraw these ties, there is an immense sense of loss felt. But as they say, time heals all wounds... and when one comes to this end, relief, contentment, and a renewed sense of inner strength are attained.

In times of heartaches and disappointments, feel the hurt and experience the pain, do not dare ignore it. For what does not destroy you, makes you stronger.

Indifference in this sense is a good thing, in my view. For when you cease to become a friend who invests feelings of concern and care with these people, you start to accept more, and not expect anything from them. Disappointing episodes are but nuisances you brush off. You are neither judgemental nor supportive of them. It is in the end, very good for your heart.

Sad truth, isn't it?

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Into the Land Called Paragon

Lately, I've been finding myself cooped up inside the flat every spare time I have, after office and in the weekends. Yesterday I did not even come to an engagement because I overslept. Well, I was awake until 5am thats why I slept it out. Anyway, I ended up spending the whole day in front of the monitor, my consciousness inside Paragon City.

These virtual worlds are the future in human interaction, I believe. This way I get to do more than talk to my brother, and friends who'd join. We can do activities together, and bond even if we're halfway around the world from each other.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Spoken Like a True Realist

Sometimes, you should think negative to see the realities of life...
Conjuring away the false "positives" that may lead you to false hopes

-Jeff S., Bytekeeper

I think one should look within himself, his environment, and the purpose of his existence to live a full life.