Midnight Anxiety: The Drive

There is nothing worse than driving down the road with yourself and the person you had a falling-out with. The person you decided to step-back from. The person you once relied on as a friend, and now decided not to.

The wall between you would never be more visible in that situation of aloneness... when there are no other people around, you can't pretend anymore. Its hard to find the things to say to this person who once was your confidant. All that's left is an air of uncomfortable silence.

Between two people, one sign of a flourishing friendship is when silence becomes a comfortable moment... I mourn the loss of such a moment.

We've gone full circle...

Drawing the Line

A man has to draw the line and stand on it whatever it takes...
-Sydney Poitier, To Sir with Love 2

Today I reached that point and had an unyielding will to stick to my decision. The last straw was the smallest of incidents today, but I just decided not to take anymore of it. The pivotal point is so minute that it might not have been realized by the people concerned. I'll be careful enough not to be on the spotlight because of this decision. I am not burning bridges, just drifting away.

As spontaneous my decision seems to be, I'll take the high road and live by my decision quietly... in Cautious Spontaneity...

The Beauty of Letting Go

It's another rainy day in Copenhagen. A gloomy day with the thick clouds hiding the Sun, would reflect most everyone's mood. But I find release in the downpour, as if the rain is washing away the bad denouement of the past few weeks.

Taking a walk from the city center last saturday, alone half of the way, I began to realize that I was not as bound to these people as I had seen myself to be. I didn't have to find my friends in them nor expect anymore than common courtesy. I felt relief, knowing that I didn't have to be with anybody all the time to enjoy life.

Being with yourself, rather than being alone, is something I had always believed in before. Somewhere along the way, I lost that in me, among other things. But I'm starting to relearn that the "I" is enough.

Midnight Anxiety: The Roundabout

The Roundabout. I was recently faced with a fork in the road between friends and the pursuit for real friendships away from home. Had I made the choice not to work things out and just be the realist I've learnt to become, this dilemma would have been over by now. But I chose otherwise, so here we are...

Sometimes the choices you make are not paths to points of no return, but rather roundabouts that make you face the same choices again, and force you to reassess the decisions you made before.

Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that they'll be waiting
So I'll hold on
And I'll stay strong 'til then...
-Adapted Excerpt from I Know Him by Heart, V.S.

When you are given this second chance, listen to what your intuition tells you. Because in that sea of uncertainty, it's those little pockets of truth that really count.

I choose reality...

Anjeluxe Sweeps Swedes

I'm going to Stockholm, Sweden with a group of people from work. Watch out for the pics here.

Midnight Anxiety: A Fork on the Road

Choices. There are points in one's life when you have to make them. Whether big or small, trivial to life-changing ones, everyday there's a choice to be made.

Today I walk upon a fork on the road, of which both paths lead to points of no return. To leave friends or thrive with them. To risk your heart to learn trusting people once again, or to sever bonds to save yourself from the hurt...

Miles of loneliness
Now make perfect sense
Here beside you...
Tears like waterfall
It was worth them all
Just to find you...
-I Know How the River Feels, JBW

Soulmates... More than that I've always believed in Soulfriends. People who are there for each other no matter what. Individuals who know you, and are sensitive to your feelings. It's difficult when you know that the people around you aren't those people.

Work work work... dudududu...

It's been all work and no play this past week. It's somewhat tiring to just work and go home with very little interaction with people, but also somewhat of a relief that I get to have an excuse not to socialize.

My busy state somehow insulates me from feeling the hurt brought about by family affairs. It doesn't give me time to contemplate about some phone calls to home that didn't go too well. (Why did I ever make that second call?!)

But I know in myself that I cannot keep this up for long. Even now I am starting to tire and losing motivation. I must find the way to push myself to the next level, just like last year. What little driving force I have: the stuff I am getting next week, the music that I am using to relax my mind, bond of a once severed friendship that is healing itself, are all somewhat temporary fixes.

Move over, Mr. Negativity

A colleague read my last entry and said my recent posts were all negative. Surely I could think of positive things that happened recently. Let's see:

Career. I'm still here, at the forefront of technology, at a sound position of my career for my age.
Travel. Temporarily relocating to Europe has given me a great opportunity to see remnants of the eras in history that I've always been fascinated about.
Finances. I can buy what I want, when I want. Healthy(almost wiped out) credit line. Great credit history. I've set out to practice my financial freedom and I think I've managed it nicely, learning valuable lessons along the way.
Friends. Well, there's the brotherhood of the Bytekeepers, which reminds me, watch out for the continuation of the Bytekeeper Chronicles. It'll be a nice read, I promise.

Adding to that, I have some hardcore nerdie stuff to look forward to the next couple of weeks. Completing the other nerdie stuff I have here... If you haven't figured out yet, I'm a computer geek and proud of it!

Well that's it, all I need is to make this list and I'm feeling better already :-D.

Midnight Anxiety: Aimless

My most unwanted feeling is uncertainty.

Maybe this is the feeling of purgatory, where your soul is supposed to wander aimlessly into nothingness. I am like riding in a boat with no sail, no paddle... lost in a sea of nameless faces, detached acquaintances, superficial friendships.

This is the ripple effect of yesterday's reflections. What have I been doing these past few years? Basking in untested friendships, bonds I never bothered to validate, but its too late to do that now.

I need to reign myself to resist succumbing to these feelings of loneliness, of sadness.

Trusting "Friends(?)"

Fallouts, disappointments... Things like these make me want to reassess my view on the people, and the actual validity of the "friendships" I thought I made these couple of years.

I would say that I trust that these bonds I have with these people are true, but that's the emotional-naive-trusting part of me talking. The part of me that is objective and collected, that part of me that's always right, says otherwise.

Just Another Manic Monday

Do you have these mornings when you just wanna punch everyone on the face, especially the ones who piss you off? I do. It's every Monday morning, today.

I remember when, more than a year ago, one Monday morning on my way to work a thief tried to snatch my belongings from me. Suffice it to say, it was one of his unlucky days.

I pity the person who comes between me and this day's passing.
-Adapted Quote from Rose McEwan, Origins(Sweep) by Cate Tiernan