End Of Week Reflection: Glimmering Fireflies

A dark cloud is still over my whole being. I hope I can do something to escape this soon. But sometimes it takes the darkness itself to clearly see the glimmers of light in your life. Both my close friends and family know about how I'm feeling right now. They are really rooting for me.

A friendship, so new, has been my guiding light this week. Up until last week, this friend was just a once acquaintance. A mutual friend introduced us to each other last year. Then to my surprise, I am confiding in this person. A promise by this new confidant to check up on me everyday online was a shock. I've never had anyone promise to do something like this to help me. As such, at six A.M. each day, I am greeted by a promise fulfilled.

In the midst of all this turmoil, such an act gives hope to me everyday.

I don't hate his guts... I want to spill it!

Thats how furious I am with my boss. Do you remember Ally Mcbeal moments where she'd imagine punching a guy in the face, or one where the ooga-chaka baby hits her with arrows pointblank? Thats how I feel about him. Only I want to take the moon from the sky and hit him with it!

I swear if this wasn't the middle of nowhereland I would walk-out and resign on the spot. But sadly I have once again tied myself to 5 months of torture... Great Job Angelo! I'd pat myself on the back with a sledgehammer if I could.

So I am resigned to just putting my frustrations out here. I miss my friends and my family. There would have been a cheering squad out here now...

I am paralyzed by fear and loneliness
This stifling air of solitude has me
on my back against the wall
My world is getting smaller
I am alone in this struggle.

Midnight Anxiety: The Prospect of Leaving

I'm coming to terms with the idea of leaving the company as soon as my assignment in Denmark is over. I know this is a big decision to make, but rest assured I shall be thinking about this for the full-length of my stay here.

First off, I have to know if this is just because of the bad week that has passed, being fresh from my vacation and all. A bad case of metal being put from high to cold temperature (See the movie Fantastic Four, watch what they do with Dr. Doom hihi). Plus, my boss hasn't been peachy lately either. Coming back to find that your boss has been switched with his evil twin isn't a nice way to start the other half of your tenure, huh! I want to weigh my pros and cons when the bad air has lifted (when work becomes more relaxed). This is so that my decision will not be based on ill-feelings.

Secondly, I'm coming to my third year my present company and the scenario has always been the same from project to project: stressful environment, too much overtime, too much work, no time for anything else. Since I started, it seems my life has been put on hold, save for my career. I mean 2003 was really stressful because I was fighting to keep my life balanced. Then came 2004 where I really had to call most of my friends to tell them that I'll go under the radar and focus solely on my career. The present year hasn't been good to my life either, need I say impossible to get things back the way they were with me being geographically-challenged. I've been living my life like a total geek, techie... a HERMIT with very little connection to my friends and even my family. I came back home for a vacation only to find that my nieces and nephews have grown so much, my brothers and sister distant with me, and my friends moving about their lives without me. I had clamoured to pick up the pieces during the two weeks I was there. I don't want that to happen again.

There are many factors involved here. A decision this big cannot be made overnight.

End of Week Reflection: Back into the Lions' Den

This past week was a blur as I got hurled back into the reality of work, homesickness, and yearning for friends.

I just realized that I am again well on my way to getting burnt out. In my line of work, it is a given that I would at times thread dangerously close to that. I hope I don't give up though, especially now that my binding contract has ended.

I can't say enough of this, but my home is indeed my place of power. Getting uprooted from all of that, and sent to a place where there are no reliable support really hurts me to the core.

The fog of false security and weak bonds have lifted,
and I can see clearly now. But I paid a high price for clarity...
my sense of belonging...
my spontaneity...

I know that there will be days when I'd feel like I lost in that barter... I miss my friends...

Silence...

I'm back in Denmark, after two weeks of being home. It was a relief to be back in Manila, seeing my friends, my family. More importantly, I was there to face brewing problems, and help in making the hard decisions about family and business. It was really empowering to be in a place where I have complete control... where I'm independent... where everything is more understandable... where everything is familiar.

I was silent in the blogs because I was home, and I was happier. I find it hard to articulate happiness. I always fear that talking about it would jinx the happy times, I guess...