Midnight Anxiety: Losing Wind

There comes a point where Self-motivation just doesn't cut it anymore. Such is the problem when the drive just emanates only from within... you eventually exhaust it.

The finality of the decision that I will not be promoted has come to pass... and just like every other career-oriented individual, I am left drained and de-motivated. I am at a crossroads again, I realized, to continue on this path or to change lanes and move on. I am not sure if I still want to recapture that feeling of contentment I had earlier this year. I just want the days to run like the wind, so I can finally be home.

Uncharted Waters

I have always seen the good in the unknown. The state of not knowing what is next always excited me. Being in uncharted waters... in a field of possibilities... and knowing that I am the captain of my destiny would always bring about a sense of hope in myself.

There is a chance that I will leave the company within this year. The ties that bind me are finally severed. But I remember, not too long ago, that there were moments of contentment and gratitude during my stay. I should catch that feeling again, before choosing which path to take. Only then will I be confident that I am making the most sound decision.

Thanksgiving: Clarity and Compassion

During these past days, life has geared up for the better.

With regards to the request that I raised about my stay here in Denmark, this have been looking good. It is quite clear to me now that my request will be granted. People have given their support on this, from my immediate Supervisor (who I still feel uncomfortable with, by the way) to the Partner of our project.

So it is definite now that I will be leaving by September 15, give or take a week. I hope my request for extended leave gets through. I will surely get to settle a lot of things given that valuable time.

Midnight Anxiety: Greatest Fear

My Filipino boss talked to me today about my request to leave earlier than the expected time(December). I had requested to go home on September, when the opportunity to do such request presented itself. I have so many reasons for going home. But when I was asked why, it took a moment to search for the answer. But beyond the clutter of reasons in my head, I only had one glaring answer... It was for my mother.

I know that my mother and I haven't actually been the best of friends. Well at least since my Dad died. People could better describe my relationship with her as a struggle for power, a struggle for control. I know I have a lot of issues with her. I could never appreciate the hard decisions she sends my way. Or the way she inadvertantly hurts people's feelings. But ultimately, she IS my last surviving parent. Now that she's going under the knife(again!), I am plagued by memories of the years that passed. I could never undergo through the same ordeal with my Father back in 2001. When he died in Davao, I was stuck in Manila finishing my thesis document. The family agreed that it would be best for me to stay there and focus on completing my requirements for graduation.

Overwhelmed by shock, I was practically a zombie then. Fortunately I had cavalry, my friends (led by Jeff, of course) were there to push me to the right direction.

I just hope that my request pushes through. I need to support my family during this trying time.